Ivy's 2025 roundup - the story so far

*tw : SA*

So what's the dealio? Huh. Well, long story short, my life this year has felt like a total fucking maelstrom of anxiety and existential dread. 

I've mostly made it through via drinking, doing real stupid and dangerous shit, and basically not sitting still and just white-knuckling my way through the past however many months to stop my brain having to so much as stop and actually process anything. The preventative trauma processing strategy has very much been HAVE A GOOD TIME, ALL THE TIME. 

Honestly, I was reaaaally looking forward to this year. Had *so* much exciting stuff planned. Then I went to a wedding at the start of March and a guy tried to sexually assault me. 

It wasn't someone pouncing on me in the street, they'd actually been talking to me and (for what it was) had been perfectly friendly. Then I realized my phone was missing and, after much drama ensuing, it turned out this guy has stolen it. Alongside obviously hitting the fucking roof on finding out, I was also just really, really confused as to why someone would even go through all of that charade. It ended up outside on the street and I was screaming what fuck is wrong with you etc, and then he starts coming out with "I only did it because I think you're beautiful" and all kinds of utterly insane shit. Obviously my head is in a mess by then, so tried to rationally explain how you DO NOT DO SHIT LIKE THAT, and then in the middle of that he then suddenly tried to assault me. Thankfully it didn't get any further than him forcing himself on me and kissing me, because a switch inside me flicked and I just *lost it*. Total red mist time. I grabbed him by the throat and started beating the absolute shit out of him. But THEN, I couldn't even had that - because this fucker he was actually enjoying it. He was goading me on, and was obviously some total freak with dom issues. Me beating him to a pulp would just give him exactly what he wanted so I got myself to stop and told the mother-fucker that he wasn't worth it. I mean, I'm glad in a way because it honestly felt like I wasn't going to stop, but then from the whole circumstances that he had been manipulating and goading me into it *I* basically got stuck. 

So along with having the very, very weird violation of my space and creepy as fuck manipulation to try and process, I was also stuck in some reaaaally weird psycho mode where I just wanted to DESTROY men, basically. 

When I got back to the hotel, I got changed into my day clothes and I slept on the floor besides the bed on the far side of the room. If anyone was coming into that room, I wanted to be ready to fucking GO straight at them. When I woke up early the next day I was straight on my feet and it was like a fucking military operation springing into action to get home. I was striding through the streets and sitting on public transport like some killer fembot with a thousand yard stare and I probably looked absolutely deranged. I'm really glad that no-one so much as bumped into me because I would have done something REALLY fucking stupid, no doubt absolutely unwarranted, and would have likely been arrested. 

But yeah, I was like that to varying degrees for a good few months. I'd clench my fists ready to go if a man so much as walked past me. To be totally honest, I actually *wanted* someone to try something so I could finally get my brain unstuck. I would walk home drunk across the city, sometimes in the middle of the road, so someone would start something or mouth off. I just needed that ONE excuse to unleash this absolute, utter fury that was nearly burning a hole straight through me. Now I'm really thankful that, somehow, no-one did.

Sexual assault is sexual assault, end of. That said, I acknowledge *much* worse things have happened to people. I'm so lucky that I can at least look after myself and am not afraid to use my fists if needed, but the whole psychological manipulation and violation has, I'm a bit ashamed to say, ended up really messing with my head.

So, you may be asking, did I report it to the police? No, I did not. Firstly, have you seen the conviction rates on sexual assault? They'd be laughable if they weren't so shameful. Secondly, I'd been drinking a lot, and then *I* technically assaulted him, so I feel like immediately that would be turned around and I'd be labelled an unreliable witness, maybe even charged. Finally, ACAB. Fuckin ACAB, man. While in an ideal society I would like that piece of shit to face consequences and hopefully being prevented from attempting that with anyone else, especially someone much more vulnerable than me, I have *zero* faith in the system that would happen. 

Slight sidenote, and this might sound as lame as it does surprising, but past being a foul-mouthed, tattooed, woman of ill repute, underneath all of that I'm a total softie. I have a ton of stuffed animals, and I have a really weird affinity for Winnie the Pooh stuff. Around my apartment I'd love wearing my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas, I'd love wearing my cute Winnie the Pooh socks, hoodie, even underwear. These past nearly six months though, I haven't worn any of it. As stupid as it sounds, I just don't feel like I'm worthy or deserve to wear such cute and nice things. And that genuinely makes me really sad.

But yeah, there's been a ton of other stuff since I might talk about another time, but that was basically the genesis of how I've ended up where I am right now. To be totally honest, it's not where I want to be, because I feel like I'm mostly swinging between being robotically functional just to get through the day, or feeling like absolute shit.

Oh well. I am nothing if not resilient. For better or worse, I truly am the bitch that will not die. 

Ives 🖤 x