Sunday Thoughts 08/24/25

So, another week in the bag, down the pan, vanished into the ether out of existence never to be seen again, depending on your perspective. My perspective? A little bit of column A, B, and C, if I'm honest. 

While there have been AMAZING positives (I mean, PEN-15 #3 coming right at'cha, amirite?), really great developments and prospects in my job, on a personal level I just feel emotionally spent. 

All I am is nice to people, but time again that just seems to blow up in my face and I am now at a total loss. 

I absolutely know and fully appreciate that I can be a LOT. I know now that from a combination of my ADHD and BPD I can quickly form very intense feelings for people, platonic or otherwise. Despite that, I am very, VERY actively reigning myself in, and only keeping communication and interactions at a level the opposite person has demonstrated to me. 

However, when people might say they're really into you, want to meet up with you, want to full-on dress you up in rubber and treat you like their fucking princess, want to tie you up and do allllllll kinds of the most filthy and unspeakable things to you... I take someone on face value at that. I would never, ever say anything like that in the heat of the moment or as part of some ego boost. It seems though, a lot of people don't have that same view. Which is really fucking confusing. Also insulting. And when you have BPD, can very easily send you into a spiral of the most unbelievably painful feelings of rejection and abandonment. 

I try to see the best in people, but I'm finding that really fucking hard right now, both on a friendship and more relationship type level. I don't want to be someone who doesn't care about other people, but I feel like to protect myself then that may be the only option I have. Because I really just cannot do this shit anymore. 

I don't know if people see the initial novelty of "ohh it's that crazy punk rock tattooed lesbo", and then that novelty wears off? But yeah, I'm a fucking person. I'm not here for anyone's amusement or to be an accessory. I hold any relationships and friendships with people dearly, but I don't know if I've missed a fucking memo or something that that's not how it really is? I dunno. I genuinely thought that always being there for people and caring about them were good qualities to have, but apparently not.

I'm ok. I'm not sad per se, just really, really fucking jaded. What's that Dr. Manhattan quote? "I'm tired of this Earth, these people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives". That.

🖤 X

*obviously the above absolutely does not relate in any way to Suze, Mercedes, and Donna. They are indeed some of the very rarest of Good Ones™