First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BESTIE, DONNA MAXX!!! 🥳🎉🎂🌟You have always been there for me and I love you more than life itself.
Babies! Always been the prettiest girl I know.
Welp, I am back at work tomorrow. Feels like I've very much wasted two weeks of vacation, if I'm honest, but it is what it is. For what it's worth, I do feel slightly more functioning and human now, though it hasn't been a terribly exciting week (ha, like that'll stop me, though, cos you know I'm still gonna write about all my shit!). Seeing everyone for Donna's birthday gathering this afternoon will be really nice, though.
So, in a week lacking excitement of any kind, what notable things did I still manage to accomplish? I'm proud to say that I replaced the brake lights on my car, and I recusioned my sofa and it now no longer feels like it's trying to murder me - hurray! Small wins. I also drove to Bell Isle and aimlessly wandered around for a while, which was nice to be fair. I did wonder if to go and see Spinal Tap 2, but considering I sat stony faced through the trailers and reviews have been very middling I gave it a tactical pass. Otherwise, it's mostly been quietly sitting at home, playing Ghost of Yōtei, listening to the new Taylor Swift album (I like it, anyone who disses lines like "Did you girl-boss too close to the sun?" can fuck off)), and acquainting myself with more Rush.
Thank you to the cute girl who kindly took a photo of
me trying to look like a serious, real person.
On the Rush note, after me *just* watching the doc and delving into the discog, it felt VERY glitchy that Geddy and Alex announced a few days later they are getting back together?! Portentous events are portentous. OBVIOUSLY Neil Peart is irreplaceable, but that they've gone with a girl drummer has made me very giddy. I also feel like these shows are absolutely something worth breaking my now self enforced No Gigs guidelines for, but we shall see. To be fair, I think seeing something like Rush I would find very engaging and not end up steaming drunk, so maybe there's that.
I've been looking more into BPD, figuratively and literally trying to get my head around this most cursed of mental disorders. I didn't realize that there was actually 'BPD coded music', but of course now that makes total sense. Again, as very few artists actually come out and proudly declared I HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (big shout-out to Madison Beer!) it's mostly down to speculation and guesswork, but looking into it has been very interesting and, in some cases, a bit of a revelation.
One that got me was the English band, Placebo. Now while they're not one of my absolute faves, there always has been very much SOMETHING to them that has always really resonated with me - well it turns out that not only do they have songs considered 'BPD coded', THE BAND ITSELF AND ITS ENTIRE OUTPUT IS BPD CODED. Hell, the song Every You Every Me is basically considered the BPD national anthem. There are lines in it, such as "sucker love, I always find, someone to bruise and leave behind" and "all alone in space and time, there's nothing here, but what's here's mine", that have always felt like they have unexplainably been pulled out of my very soul. I mean, now that ALL makes sense (Ohhhhhhhh, she says *facepalm*). In terms of Every You Every Me, this version is incredible - get it in your ears right now.
Now listening with my new BPD-coded ears I can 100% say that SO, so much of Taylor Swift's music has *such* BPD vibes. Absolutely not any kind of judgement or assessment on the woman herself but holy shit, wherever she is speaking from it VERY much resonates with how I think and feel about a lot of things
Obviously, a good chunk of what I've written has been unwittingly BPD coded too, although prior to Leave Home I didn't realize that. I went back to take a look aaaand;
When An Immovable Object...
- Lisa's Got a Moped - while not explicit, the feelings of escaping and leaving all of your pain behind are VERY BPD
- 118 - yep, BPD
- DISASTERPI3CE - about addiction and feeling like a total fuck-up, which I now realize is very much entwined with my BPD and resulting self-loathing
- There Was a Girl (But She's Gone Now) - people think it's written about another girl I broke up with or something but it's not, it's mourning the loss of the happy, innocent person you feel like used to be
Reckoner (no commentary needed as these are so blatantly BPD)
- Life is Fucking Killing Me
- Llyr
- This One!
I did a post on the main band blog about the songs on Leave Home, so if you're morbidly interested then take a look on there for the deets.
But yeah, it's definitely been there all along, seeping its way through. In a way, I'm finding it like sexuality, where you'd like things as a kid and didn't really know why, but then looking back it's soooo glaringly obvious? It is really interesting how subconsciously you can be so drawn to these things that resonate and validate what you're feeling, even if you don't know you're feeling it. Huh.
That said, I do find it interesting that, especially considering the obligatory era of teenage angst, our first EP is surprisingly BPD-free! Maybe that's from a combo of giddy teenage excitement of having a band and being sheltered from the horrors of adulting?
Another interesting thing I've realized about having this disorder is it shows you who your friends actually are. People who dismiss your feelings, even when you tell them you know it's all a result of BPD, and instead tell you that you're doing this to yourself, are *not* your friends. Jesus Christ, I mean you wouldn't tell someone autistic to just... stop being autistic, would you? It all hurts like fucking hell and makes you feel so painfully rejected at times, but I guess it also acts like a filter on people who were never actually your friend in the first place.
That said, I've had a couple of people be absolutely amazing and kind about everything that has been going on and show genuine concern. Not that I thought they weren't amazing and kind people to begin with, but when you're finding it increasingly hard to trust people and take them at face value it's really heartwarming to see that some people are actually legit and 100% genuine.
Sorry, by the way, I never intended for this blog to turn into an exposé and study of my attempts to navigate through life whilst suffering from BPD. My sincere apologies, as I'm sure that this isn't the content any people who have an interest in PEN-15 signed up for, yet here we are. To anyone reading, though, thank you. Also, if there is anyone with BPD who all of this might help in any way at all then I send you all of the love in the world xx
Currently Listening To
Allie X - Girl With No Face
Taylor Swift - The Life of a Showgirl
Rush - 2112
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