Today shall mostly be spent in goblin mode not not leaving my apartment (and working on PEN-15 stuff, obvs).
As fun as it was yesterday and lovely to see the girls, I did feel like absolute shit. Not just mentally, but physically too. Lately I generally just feel really sick, probably because I'm not really eating as much as I should, which in turn makes me not really want to eat anyways. I know, the irony.
While it's the end-result of some quite difficult and stressful situations that have occurred, I also feel like I've ended up here in basically a self-destructive cage of my own making. Should I have gone back to therapy instead of getting constantly wasted? Yes. I don't know though, I don't feel like how I was feeling was the kind of feeling where I wanted to sit and talk about it. I feel like just needed to close my eyes, grit my teeth, hold and tight, and tear a hole straight through everything in front of me to get as far as I possibly could from everything that was behind me. Which is not at all fucking healthy, but it honestly just felt like the only option available. Now I'm physically a wreck and the path to getting myself even slightly back into shape just feels so fucking daunting.
I had planned on spending this summer really getting in shape, doing lots of running in the light mornings, getting back into weights, and I've done absolutely fuck all of that if I'm honest. And oh good lord, I've been vaping like a god damn fucking chimney. Whilst actually I've done a good job of largely hitting the booze on the head for the past month or so, that void has been filled with the smoke of the toxic bullshit that is no doubt further destroying my already atrophying lungs. That's probably not been helping how sick I feel either. With staying at home I wasn't going to vape today but then, because I'm a total fucker who cannot be trusted where substance abuse is concerned, I convinced myself I needed to have a little bit to wean myself off it. Thankfully it tasted like shit, made my tongue feel like I've been licking pennies, and that shows me.
Oh and also from stress my hair has started falling out, which is fan-fucking-tastic. I used to get it quite a bit when I was younger and it is an absolute NIGHTMARE to grow back - some places have genuinely taken years. I really thought I was over it but then had some tiny tingles in my scalp a few weeks ago. It only lasted a day so I was obviously relieved, but then the shit that happened last weekend left my head feeling like it was on fire. If anyone knows any good wig stores, hit me up!
But Ivy, I hear you say, where oh where are you taking us on this long-ass tale of woe and self-afflicted misery? Well, dear reader, it just so happens I am just about to get to that part...
Where I've ended up the past few days is back to something that may sound like one of the most ridiculous things you've ever heard. And I can also tell you it is not the first time I have had serious thought on this idea. Basically, there is a part of me that, strongly and in all sincerity, wants to be... a nun.
Yes, you heard it; a full-on, actual nun.
It's an odd one. Like most Mexican families, Catholicism is deeply ingrained into our identities. After my grandmother died when I was small, my mother got very big on going to church, so I was constantly getting forced into the car, sometimes physically, and off to church we went. Let me tell you, being forced to go to church isn't exactly fun under most circumstances, but when you were an absolute little fucker with undiagnosed ADHD like yours truly, it was torture. I HATED it, and that no doubt got me on the path of being, for a long time, extremely anti-religion.
I'm (mostly, try to be) a lot more live and let live nowadays. I don't think I'm religious? Maybe it would be classed as agnostic? Either way, I am no doubt definitely falling at the first hurdle of what is otherwise the usual pathway and basic requirement to be a nun.
Past that though, I do find more and more this idea popping into my head. And it's not always when I'm having some kind of crisis of self either. There is something inside of me, and I don't know what exactly, that is really drawn to the idea of living a simple, selfless and peaceful life, trying to be a better person, and helping other people.
One of the things that really appeals to me is that I'd be with a bunch of other nuns who are there for each other and support each other, and I wouldn't feel alone.*
How serious am I about this? I've actually done deep dives on reddit into nuns talking about what orders there are and their lives and everything. Despite the preconceptions, there are orders where you don't have to give up literally your entire worldly possessions, you don't have to wear a habit the whole day (though my fave cut-off Metallica tee with my tits hanging out would probs be a no), and you can even wear make-up. At least in the more progressive orders, it does sound really nice.
And yesterday, sitting at home before I went to the photoshoot, I suddenly just started crying about it. I guess longing for a life where I didn't feel alone and didn't have to deal with any of the stuff that makes me feel so bad a lot of the time?
I dunno, maybe I'm just romanticizing it. Maybe I'd hate it and not even last a fortnight without kicking off and telling the mother superior to go and get fucked. And progressive or not, a raging ADHD lesbo with addiction issues and several tattoos that absolutely verge into the territory of blasphemous maybe isn't going to ever be a nun in any reality.
Maybe one day. Until then, I shall dream my nun-y dreams and piously place this bath towel over my head 😇
Peace and love,
Ivy 🤍 x
*I have Suze, Mercedes, and Donna in the band, but they obviously have their own lives. We see each other a lot and are absolutely there for each other, but we don't all live in the same house and sleep in the same giant bed as some of you may wish to believe (as fun as that might otherwise be).
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