BPD 10/02/25

Have cancelled all of my vacation plans and am just spending the time at home. I just don't feel like it's healthy for me or for anyone else me going anywhere, seeing people, or generally interacting with anyone.

The past few days I've been looking into coping strategies for BPD and then general consensus seems to be... totally withdraw yourself away from people. It's pretty much the nuclear option, but I feel like at this point I don't have any choice.

I've REALLY fuckin' tried this year. I've tried to be like a normal, outgoing, human being, but it just forever ends in disaster. I'm perpetually "too much" or end up being an unbelievable drunk asshole. No two ways about it, the monster I have created to protect the child inside is impossible to manage.

I always come back to wondering if I'm a nice person prone to being an asshole, or if I'm a total asshole who tries to be a nice person but fails abysmally. Honestly? I still don't know about that one. Don't think I ever will, either. In the past few days though I think I might have at least made *some* sense of what's been going wrong this year?

I feel like part of the problem is people are prone to seeing me as some kind of manic pixie dream lesbian, and they put me on a pedestal without even knowing me. It might be on a platonic basis and they think it will be fun having a kooky, queer, gal pal, or if there's any element of attraction and they think I'm there for them to experiment and guide them through whatever the fuck might be going on with their sexuality. Whatever the situation might be, soon enough they get to know me and they either see how fucked up I am, or get a vibe something about me is very "other", and they're then quickly eyeing up the room for all available emergency exits, both figuratively and literally. 

I think another part of the problem is I've been trying to normalize BPD; that, if I try hard enough, I can be a "normal" person, and it won't affect anything in the slightest. I know now that that is absolutely not the case, and it likely never will be. It really is such a serious mental disorder, and I genuinely feel like I'm never going to have anything resembling a normal life. A long term partner, kids... I'd genuinely put myself down as having better chances of winning the lottery.

Like with ADHD and whatever else, I felt like knowing that BPD is what's wrong with me would make it more manageable. For me at least, it doesn't. If anything, I've just lulled myself into a false sense of security and put myself in situations that, pretty much every single time, are just going to be really bad for me (and, if I'm honest, everyone else involved).

And I just can't keep fucking doing this. I don't want to hurt people, and I do not want to be getting hurt or have my fucking heart broken and ripped to pieces over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

I think generally people just aren't equipped with either the understanding or empathy to manage the gravity of dealing with someone with BPD, and I am not equipped with the skills to manage this condition and navigate my way through otherwise normal relationships and situations.

So what does this mean for my life going forwards? 

I obviously have PEN-15. Thankfully, this doesn't change that.

I also have my career to focus on, so that's something at least. I can handle superficial workplace relationships that are part of my job ok, so that's a plus. It's that just nothing with anyone will go any further than that.

Gigs are off the table. I usually can't go to them without being rat-assed steaming drunk, and more often than not I get bored and just drink more anyways. Total waste of time and money, and it leads to me being in situations where I act like an asshole or where it's a miracle I don't end up getting raped.

Parties, birthdays, social gatherings, weddings - similar to the above, so no.

I don't do any sports, go to sports games, or have the slightest, passing interest in any kinds of sports, so that's one less thing to worry about. 

And... that's that, basically. I agree, it's a life that sounds boring as shit, but whatever. I'd rather live a boring life than be dealing with the absolutely worst kind of heartache and/or the overwhelming shame of acting like a total fucking monster every month.